It’s unfortunate that I have had to spend so much of my life in the hospital so far, but as a result I am now a seasoned pro, and have some tips to share in case you ever find yourself in a similar predicament. These are going to be slightly “out there” in terms of advice, but these are the things I wish others had told me about rather than having to figure them out on my own.

  1. Bring a razor. Keeping to a daily routine and maintaining a clean appearance is the key difference between feeling like a human and feeling like a zombie in the hospital. For me, as soon as I get two or three days growth on my beard, I immediately start feeling worse. Hospitals offer disposable razors and shaving cream, but they are not especially sharp. For best results, smuggle in your own razor (electric razors are great if you can’t stand at a sink after surgery). You should also take time for your other daily hygiene tasks, including brushing your teeth and washing your face. Your nurses won’t remind you to do any of this, you have to make the effort to remember and carve out time to get it done. Trust me, it will make all the difference.
  2. Avoid the gown as long as you can. The gowns are embarrassing, and they lead to the feelings of zombietude I mentioned above. They are never long enough, they never fully cover your backside no matter how many times you tie them, and you will never feel like your best self as long as you wear one. Sometimes they are unavoidable and hospital staff will insist (especially for surgery), but if you can get by wearing loose clothing like sweat pants and baggy t-shirts, those are the way to go.
  3. Keeping gadgets powered is the name of the game. Time doesn’t really exist in the hospital. You may sleep all day, and you may stay up all night. To keep yourself sane, you will need some form of distraction, whether it be your phone, tablet, ereader, laptop, or other electronic gizmos. It’s also your lifeline to messaging and calling your loved ones, should you need anything or should they be wondering how you’re doing. Juggling battery charges between multiple devices can be difficult, especially if you are stuck in bed and can’t handle things yourself. My two pieces of advice (for now): skip the power bricks and go straight for the wall outlet, and don’t be afraid to ask your nurses to do you a favor and plug in the brick in an empty outlet behind the hospital bed. While it might be the case that you (or they) aren’t supposed to do that, I’ve yet to have anyone kick up too much of a fuss about it.
  4. Shave your body hair before you go in, if you can. This mainly applies to the especially hairy among us. You will have various stickers covering your chest, arms, you name it, and medical staff are more than happy to rip them off for you quite painfully. Don’t give them the satisfaction, trim your hair ahead of time if you have enough advanced notice.
  5. Keep a food and drink stash. Food arrives at odd times in the hospital. In my experience, breakfast is usually 7:30am, lunch is 11:30am, and dinner is 4:30pm. You will almost certainly get hungry again later in the evening. Not only that, but you need to stay up on your fluids, and you don’t want to keep bugging the nurses to bring you more (you’ll also probably just be limited to water or whatever off-brand version of Sprite the hospital offers). For this reason, keep a small stash of snacks and drinks.
  6. Remember that you know more about your body than your doctors (even though they know more about human bodies than you do). The medical staff in the hospitals I’ve been to have all been incredible. They are experts in their field, and know more about the inner workings of the human body than you ever will. That said, you are an expert when it comes to your particular body, and will know more about how it specifically functions than they do. If something feels wrong, or slightly off, or if you get a gut feeling that they are suggesting something that might be counter-productive for your well-being, speak up and advocate for yourself.