Last week, my eGFR number dropped to 13, placing me firmly in the “Stage 5 Kidney Disease” camp. I’m now essentially waiting for kidney failure, while trying to figure out what’s next for me in terms of treatment options (I suspect dialysis in the near future).

I don’t mean to be morbid or dramatic, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for the past week. Even though I’m going to be fine, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I’m dying. Without medical intervention, I will be dead in just a short while. It’s weird.

I once heard a quote, which to me perfectly encapsulates everything I’m feeling and thinking. Christopher Hitchens once remarked, “it will happen to all of us, that at some point you get tapped on the shoulder and told, not just that the party’s over, but slightly worse: the party’s going on — but you have to leave. And it’s going on without you.”

That’s the hardest thought, to me at least. There’s so much more that I want to do in my life. So much more I want to see, to experience, to be a part of, to help shape. The party is going on; and although I know I’ll never see the end of it, I want to catch as much of it as possible. I’m just not ready to leave.